UNCOMFORTABLE

Last night I watched the original Michael Haneke Funny Games. Dang. 

I honestly cannot remember being so shocked, nor squirming so much because of a movie.  It was basically agonizing. 

Talk about pushing the decency envelope. Sheesh!

CELEBelixer, March 26th

This week's winner is my favorite celebrity of all time, Pamela Anderson!

Pamela, oh Pamela! Your marriage to Rick Solomon (perhaps THE definitive scumbag of a generation) was annulled this week, meaning that you are back on the market! You can now continue to perform in cheesy magic shows and and do routines at German burlesque clubs without having to worry about that guy leeching off of your fame (and speaking of leeches, apparently Pamela knows a thing or two about being scarred and traumatized by them!).

Regardless, I think you deserve a fine scotch and a cigar. After all the STDs and subpar men that you have been through, it's time you realize that you deserve way better. Next time, pick up a guy who will respect you, and who hasn't impregnated/sex-taped/infected people in the past. xoxoxo. 

SHEER.

Spring's brink bands:

I think these groups will explode into a fiery abyss of popularity quite soon, so you should check them out... 

Google 'em, and buy their records. Add them on Myspace - it makes you look like you have more friends! Search them on the Hype Machine..... you won't be able to see them for $10 bucks at small bars/venues for very long.

Taaa DAAAHH:

1. Delta Spirit

2. Foals

3. These New Puritans

4. Fleet Foxes

5. Abigail Warchild

6. Beach House

7. Voom Blooms

8. She + Him

9. The Felice Brothers

10. My Pet Saddle

11. Shocking Pinks

12. Sea Wolf

13. Rosewood Thieves

14. Blood on the Wall

ATTN Deranged Folks - don't hurt babies and puppies! Kthnx

Like most other human beings, I have a particular fondness for all things harmless and fuzzy. Thus, I often find myself watching Animal Planet, in hopes of seeing endless footage of baby animals.

However, this evening (for the umpteenth time) I found the network to be running episodes of "Animal Cops," a show that is horrendously depressing. I see no reason why someone should be capable of watching an entire episode, let alone fathom the sort of abuse that is actually being documented.

I suppose there is an intended degree of vindication and relief felt by the viewer when the accused abusers are captured, but in all honesty, I don't feel any sort of relief. Watching a trembling and teary eyed, emaciated puppy get saved is nice and all - but you know there are about a trillion more out there that are still maltreated.

What's next, a reality show where they burst into the homes of abused children, rescue them, and then put the guardians on trial??? The whole abuse plot is so despicable, vile, and depressing..... how can anyone stomach this stuff for more then 8 minutes max?

Listen - I'm not hating on the officers who go in and rescue these helpless lil' guys. I'm just wondering who watches it? How do you deal?

I guess one man's The Hills is another man's Animal Cops. Yikes.

The Real World houses..... (a.k.a. The Sheer World!! duurr)

I found this website which caters to the bored-and-nostalgic-for-late-90's-MTV-programming-on-a-Sunday afternoon -types.

I've always wondered about the cost of those houses on the Real World, as well as what happens to most of them after the drunken freaks move out and the pervo- Panopticon equipment is disassembled. Well, now you know!

The Truth Behind MTV's Real World Houses.....

oh oh oh AND they even totally divulge where the next RW house will be...... (cast #20!!! it's been 20 fucking seasons?? JESUS).

It's moments like this that make me wonder, wtf is the matter with me? It's a sunny day! In fact, it's Easter! I should get out there and take a walk. Search for some eggs and chocolate bunnies. 

But no, no. I've resigned myself to researching the most irrelevant Real World character of all time. And the honor goes to:

THIS GUY

and 

THIS LADY

huh??????

and someone got raped in the San Diego house! FYI.

sigh. OK. I'm stopping now, time to do my taxes and whatnot.

Texas-bound!!

Guess what??

I'm going to Texas in a few weeks, to check it out and see if it's really as spectacular as I've always dreamed it to be!

I'll be in Austin, investigating whether I should move there in the Fall. If anyone has any suggestions for good sights, good live shows, etc etc, any input would be MUCH appreciated! 

Yeeeeehaw :)

CELEBelixer, March 19th

Each week, we play the role of barmaid in our imaginary dive bar (filled with imaginary ruddy-faced corrections officers drinking Coors Lite and Wild Turkey) and serve a make-believe cocktail to a celebrity who really really earned a stiff drink this week.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER:

Chris Crocker.

Because of this:

That earns you a fucking dirty martini with extra olives and my eternal love on the side.

did come home from SXSW and realize you were rabid?

WOW! i knew there was definitely stuff spreading down there, but I just thought it was hipster girls' legs and lots of crappy demo cds (OK OK OK mixed in with occasional good demo cds!!!). 

Basically, I'm just green with envy that I didn't get to go last week. But my lovely duckling over at postskunk shared this story with us:

Rabies!!! The next big thing to come out of SXSW!!!

(Yup. I'm a jealous whore who thinks neurological disease is super HILAR!!!!!!)

future husband #14

JOSE!!!!!

I have many future husbands. After all, a girl needs options. This week, I stay up at night yearning for #14 on the list.....

Jose Gonzalez, why???!??!?! why did i have to miss your live set when you played in NYC the other night???! why must you tease me with your impossibly perfect international background? Why must you cover THIS SONG so well that it makes me want to get pouty and sit in a hoodie all day? 

Lets get married.

No, no really! $30 for a candle is totes reasonable!!!!

Today day I waltzed on in to Catbird (a.k.a. HEAVEN!!!!!), where I was on a true mission: to buy myself yet ANOTHER really expensive candle. Now I realize that many people may think it ridiculous to spend more then $30 on a candle, especially when you end up buying roughly one per month. 

In case you are too dumb or lazy to do the math, that adds up to about $350-$400 a year, on muthafuckin' candles.

HOWEVER, I would like to say that the Seda brand candles really make this indulgence worth it. They burn for days (literally, you can burn them for 60 hours or more, if you are into that kinda thing, which is probs a bit excessive). I know that as (A) a girl and (B) a dog owner and (C) a drunk who socially smokes in the apt and makes a wide array of other poor choices 

that having a nice-smelling apt is a really crucial thing. So anyway, whether you live in a cruddy loft with stinky roomates, or a tiny tenement with pets, or even if you live in a really fabu penthouse, buy yourself a Seda once in a while, because your nostril will thank you, and every boy that you bring home will think you are a genius and/or goddess and/or BOTH!

CELEBelixer, March 12th

This week's lucky winner......

Today's amazing and completely metaphorical cocktail goes straight down the esophagus of Ashley Alexandra Dupre! With Lord knows whatever else has traveled through your orifices, you've proved once again that the world is full of horned-up liars and meglomaniacal hypocrites. Plus you have a funny song that is sure to be a hit for maybe 30 seconds beyond your 15 minutes of fame.

Damn baybee, from one sheer piece of jersey trash to another, I'd like to serve you an ice cold pina colada, just like the kind you used to drink out of an oversized neon beaker whilst stumbling down the Seaside Heights boardwalk all those years ago in High School. You've distinguished yourself from other notable hookers in history: you brought a political party to its knees, whilst confirming your "alive" status via daily checking of your Myspace page. 

I dream of the day when we can go fake-baking together and you can give me all the salacious details of the senior citizen weenie that you had to look at. Until then, sip this trashy bevvie and keep on rawkin' gurl. 

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.........

we did 'em for the Takeover

SO - 

I struggled and ached and devoured my way through tons of albums for some Big Takeover reviews.....

just in case you aren't familiar with this magnificent publication, think of it as one of the densest and amazing 'zines that has lasted for the past 20 years or so. Go pick up a copy, kthnx.

Included in my BT #62 reviews are Sunset Rubdown, Hot Chip, Evangelicals, Rosewood Thieves, Shocking Pinks, and the Battle Royale!!!!

I'd have to say I lucked out this time, these are some awesome CDs.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I stole this from Gawker:

But I couldn't resist. It perfectly sums up the sheerness of this deviant bicycle bombing!

I saw Jonathan Richman, at le Music Hall of Williamsburg

And what a splendid evening it was!

I believe that the amount of whiskey which I imbibed makes my reviewing skills slightly illegitimate, but yowzah..... I have to say that this guy HAS IT. keeping a crowd of hipsters blended with annoyingly dedicated superfans focused while you, your guitar, and your drummer completely run the show is no small feat. At times the only sounds audible were Richman's crooning, and his feet tapping away to an awkward dance move - no chattering, no shifting, no cell phones (thank gawd, especially after Richman's sang a disparaging number about mobile devices and their effect on social life).

Everyone adores seeing him live, and now I understand why - Richman is blissfully entertaining. His vocals seem as though from a different era, with their velvet-loungey-nasally texture. Plus he dances around on stage like your drunken uncle might dance in zero gravity with a peacock, speaks multiple languages, and can seamlessly insert relevant references into his songs (like the way he did in "Springtime in NY," when he started warbling about the smell of old warehouses in the East Village and Williamsburg being knocked down for gentro-purposes).

One minute hysterical, and the next bittersweet, at times it felt much more like performance art then a musical performance per se. It's been a long time since I've smiled so much at a concert, perhaps the whiskey elevated my mood, but from what I could tell everybody felt the same way.

CELEBelixer, March 5th

Sheer! presents this week's winner.....

DANNIELYNN HOPE MARSHALL STERN

drink: champagne (served in baby bottle)

jukebox dedication: "girls just wanna have fun" by cyndi lauper

Each week, we play the role of barmaid in our imaginary dive bar and give an imaginary cocktail to a celebrity who really really earned a stiff drink this week.

This time around, the drink is on the house for Dannielyn Hope Marshall Stern. Firstly, she has a really irritatingly long name. Secondly, this little trooper has already endured one hell of a trainwreck life since she popped out of her mom's crazy vajayjay 18 months ago. There was the brother's death, then the mother's death, as well as the shitshow of a custody battle slash media circus slash inheritance drama. LASTLY, she just won ALL of that fucking money. damn homegirl, you best go treat yo'self to something niiiiiiice.

Dear Dannielyn, we salute you and would like to serve you some champagne out of your baby bottle. It's probably not the ideal scenario for you to be consuming booze before you can even form complete sentences, but we figure you are pretty much going to be royally effed up for your entire life, so you might as well enjoy it while you are young. Sugarpie. PS - call Sean Preston if you want to have a reaaaaaalllyyy wild time. i heard that kid is KRAYZEEE

me luv you long time

I had an emotionally scarring experience last week at Kitson, where I saw a leather jacket which lured me in with its beauty and then hurt my feelings with its price tag. I was nearly having an anxiety attack while I stroked it on the shelf, touching the soft and perfect texture, while my friends urged me to "just try it on," and 99 Luftballoons blasted in the background, and the cute little asian saleslady re-arranged some kitten-shaped shoes directly to my left. It was SHEER, the manner in which I had instantly become a materialistic, jacket-coveting beotch. Normally, I can at least keep my mind two tracked.

I resisted temptation's pull, fought back tears, but haven't stopped thinking about how it only cost multiple hundreds of dollars, and maybe I can fly back to LA just to buy it. Especially because every website I see it on now is charging over $100 MORE for this beautiful object of my desire. What a kick in my non-existent balls.

If anyone buys this for me, me love you LONG time...... 

Moral of the story: FUCK YOU NICOLE RICHIE.