CELEBelixer, April 2nd

If I could get black-out with anyone this week, it would have to be Rocky, from VH1's newest (and most slapdash, soon to be a fleeting memory, likely to be followed up with an uncreative spinoff) show starring Danny Bonaduce.

This insane creature looks and behaves like a fierce tranny-trick who's been smoking unfiltered Marlboro Reds and shopping at Wet Seal/The Hustler Store for the past 13 years. Words are nearly unable to express the new low-bar that she sets for maternity in North America.

Unlike some trash-TV icons of yore, Rocky bypasses the full-on Fall From Grace, opting instead for a solid Icarus-esque tumble in each and every scene in which she is featured. Whether it be asking her daughter if her "tampon is showin'," gripping the child closely and telling her to "get us that dream house" as inspiration for a successful performance, or chasing little Haley through the cast home like a maniacal money-grubbing Pan, there is virtually nothing that this woman can do that doesn't come across as completely twisted.

Rocky even makes Bonaduce look quasi-stable, and let me tell you, that is NOT easy. 

Thus, this week CELEBelixer goes straight to Rocky. Let's crush up some happy pills and mix the powder into a glass of malt liquor, and do our best to upstage your 9 year old daughter as she gets pushed into a terrifying orbit of 16 minutes of fame and a lifetime of humiliation and aggression issues directed at you. And no, your tampon is not showing. Yet.