the good, the bad, the sheer

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Just in case you were wondering, YES. The emo riots continue

Emo kids in Mexico are being attacked en masse, and it's escalated to "riot" status throughout the past month. In case you're out of the loop, you can read about it HERE. I believe that the victims are being targeted based on band tee's and haircuts, and from the looks of it, Mexican emo kids are not nearly as fortunate or safe as their mall-dwelling, Warped Tour-attending ancestors to the North.

Honestly, leave the emos alone! At first I thought this was funny, but it's actually pretty sheer and pathetic. Emos are already 3 or 4 steps behind their peers, which I consider disadvantaged enough. They don't need beatings on top of all the baggage they already carry around.

You can watch this video of the violence, if you dare.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Why I'm broke, or, Lessons in Dog Owner Land

Spring is here again (blessedly!), and it seems to be that bevies of babies in strollers, ducklings following mommies, and puppies clumsily prancing have hit the streets of my fair city. Likewise, I've had several friends and co-workers recently approach me for doggie advice (since I've got a big, white, benign canine), in preparation for their potential adoption of the pets.
One thing people have asked me a lot is how much Lola costs me per year - and believe me, it ain't cheap. 

Food = $650
Grooming = $350
Treats = $125
Medicine = $300
Dog Walker/Day Care =$2,500 (assuming she takes some weeks off and stays in the 'burbs with my fam for the summer weeks)
Estimated extra medical costs = $600 (barring any serious surgeries)

**AAANNNNND this number also excludes the cost of any toys you might buy, doggie "gear" (if you are in to that), little things like poop bags, etc. 


1. TRANSPORTATION - I'm forced to keep my car in the city, in case I need to bring Lola anywhere. This costs me money for fuel, occasional parking garages, and occasional parking tickets. Also my car is gross and hairy now. If you don't have a car, then you may be forced to use a "doggie taxi" service, which I'm sure ain't cheap. There are MANY yellow cabs that are not dog friendly!

2. WEE WEE pads - in my opinion, if you plan on getting a dog and using "wee wee pads" (a.k.a. those little pads people leave on their floor to let their pocket pups relieve themselves INDOORS), then you really need to reconsider whether or not you should be getting a dog in the first place. No matter how small, how finicky, or how wee-wee pad-trained a small dog may be, they are still DOGS. They deserve to go outside and pee on a tree or fire hydrant just like the rest. They need fresh air and smells in their noses, and exercise! You'll be raising a neurotic, barking, unhappy hound if you treat it like a housecat. You might save yourself the money of a dogwalker, but you will be doing a disservice to your pet.

3. Walking the dog off the leash is a no no. I don't care how well-trained you think your dog is - it's a dog, and it has instincts, and is liable to flip out at any point. Plus, some people may have super aggressive pups, and your dog being off leash may cause issues. Not to mention that some PEOPLE have a fear of dogs, and you might be making them uncomfortable. SO, wheeee yay wooohooo we are so so proud of how awesomely your dog follows you down the street, but save it for a dog show, Buddy.

4. PICK UP YOUR DOG'S shite. Just do it. Seriously, what's wrong with you if you get a dog in NYC and don't clean up after it! argh.

I love having a dog, and I love other people's dogs as well. I love it when my friends get dogs, and then our dogs can play, and its one big playful happy furry session. I do! LOVE.

But having a dog is really really expensive. It also initiates you into a world of insane dog owners, who have a weird system of norms and rituals and standards (none of which will probably match my own standards, or yours. So basically it's really CUNTY). I wouldn't trade my lil' babe for the world, but prepare yo' self for all of this, and then rethink whether you are ready. Sometimes I wonder how I can be so broke, and then I'll put away my half-eaten slice of pizza (saving it for dinner!), and then I see a big puffy snowball with huge eyes staring at me from across the room, standing by the coat closet (where her gourmet Merrick brand food is kept) and I understand who gets the better end of the deal here :)

I dedicate this post to everyone who helps me with Lo, all my friends and family who have babysat, and walked, and hugged and fed her. And me.

Monday, April 14, 2008


I found a new favorite website, which is guaranteed to cheer you up if you are feeling like crapolla. 

Sunday, April 13, 2008

put on your dancing shoes - Summer BootyShake Musik

Many things make me dance, including Prosecco, Whitney Houston on the stereo, and also the presence of my Gays.

However, recently in addition to that array of inspirations, I've also discovered a wealth of hisptah booty-shakerrr anthems, provided by bands like:

-Hot Chip
-Mark Ronson
-Tokyo Police Club
-Uh Huh Her
-Crystal Castles
-Professor Murder
-Calvin Harris
-Sam Sparro

and my personal faves
(OMFG!! wheeeeee!)

Go on, don't be scared. Take a gander and do some shots, I guarantee that TBF (titties be flyin') in no time.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

a talented person

Graciela Iturbide. 

CELEBelixer, April 2nd

If I could get black-out with anyone this week, it would have to be Rocky, from VH1's newest (and most slapdash, soon to be a fleeting memory, likely to be followed up with an uncreative spinoff) show starring Danny Bonaduce.

This insane creature looks and behaves like a fierce tranny-trick who's been smoking unfiltered Marlboro Reds and shopping at Wet Seal/The Hustler Store for the past 13 years. Words are nearly unable to express the new low-bar that she sets for maternity in North America.

Unlike some trash-TV icons of yore, Rocky bypasses the full-on Fall From Grace, opting instead for a solid Icarus-esque tumble in each and every scene in which she is featured. Whether it be asking her daughter if her "tampon is showin'," gripping the child closely and telling her to "get us that dream house" as inspiration for a successful performance, or chasing little Haley through the cast home like a maniacal money-grubbing Pan, there is virtually nothing that this woman can do that doesn't come across as completely twisted.

Rocky even makes Bonaduce look quasi-stable, and let me tell you, that is NOT easy. 

Thus, this week CELEBelixer goes straight to Rocky. Let's crush up some happy pills and mix the powder into a glass of malt liquor, and do our best to upstage your 9 year old daughter as she gets pushed into a terrifying orbit of 16 minutes of fame and a lifetime of humiliation and aggression issues directed at you. And no, your tampon is not showing. Yet.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

the saddest shark in the world just died :(

Bertha, the shark who has been swimming around in circles in the same tank at Coney Island's aquarium since 1965, has passed away.

To be candid, it's about damn time that poor thing is out of her misery. When about 12 of my friends and I organized an impromptu field trip to the aquarium last year (see picture of amazingly interested and good-looking 20-somethings to the left), we were all pretty horrified by the sight of Bertha, apathetically drifting through a circular tank inhabited also by other marine life, sharks, and sting rays. It struck me as extra pitiful when our enthusiastic tour guide proclaimed that "some of our parents may have actually come to see Bertha in this VERY tank when they were little kids!!" DANG. In my naivete, I even wondered and asked out loud if the shark was ever "moved around, or let out in a different tank, or in a bay or something." Durrrr! It's not a dog that you can take on walks and play ball with. 

Still, how depressing! I don't like it when animals die, but in this case, I think Bertha is in a better place. She lived a life on display in a tiny tank, sharing her miniscule space with other (assuredly despondent) sea creatures. Her situation was on par with a prison term! And yet all she did was get caught in some sheer Brooklyn fisherman's net when she was a baby, the same year that the Beatles played Shea Stadium, the year that Malcolm X was assassinated, and that Bob Dylan went electric. She'd been in that dreadful, repetitive, detached realm for more then four decades....... que lastima :(

If you want to read the whole article, the NY Post is allllll up in it.