I've discovered my magical happy potion, and it comes in the form of a limousine-driving, off-key singing, vinegar faced nobody with a MEGA FUPA named Jan Terri. Apparently in the early '90s she wrote some tracks and created music video demos that she submitted to labels. Jan never achieved the kind of fame she wanted, but she's officially got a special place in my heart.
My boyfriend also pointed out that her stellar musical talents were actually a precursor to the Vivian Girls monotone crapolla sound. Except Jan could KILL them in a battle of the bands. I mean, come on. What could be better than "Baby Blues"????